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| Member Tribute; The Eggman | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Oct 5 2010, 11:46 AM (639 Views) | |
| whatsthatonyourback | Oct 5 2010, 11:46 AM Post #1 |
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Waldo Jeffers
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I thought it would be nice to have an occasional thread devoted to paying tribute to members of the site. Ach, maybe that's a shite idea. But, it gives me the chance to re-post this Out-Of-Context I did for Eggman which I found in a folder on my pc. If you can't remember the OoC conceit, it's based on the posts a user makes, then shamelessly sliced up for purpose of caricature and gentle mockery. It took me f*cking ages to do, too, and it's a shame there aren't more of them, as they all got blootered when homer deleted lots of the old OddTalk history. Anyway, here it is... In early January 2005, a mature student went missing while recording an interview for his media studies project. Today, that sound recording has been found... >Click< > Whirring and clattering < Interviewer: One. Two. One. Erm - Two, Two. Ehm, right. On? Yes. On. Harrumph. I'm here today to interview the member of Arabfc known as Eggman - A legendary character on the internet and known to have strong opinions, so I'm sure it will make for an interesting interview. Today marks the first anniversary of Eggman's debut on the pages of Arabfc, and I'm here to get his thoughts on his time as a central character on that famous website. > Door slams. Footsteps < Interviewer: Ah, here he is now. Hello Eggman. Welcome. Do sit down. Firstly, may I say what a pleasure it is to finally meet you. You're quite a legend in the computer labs at my college. Everyone is very jealous that I got you to agree to this interview. Eggman: f*ck 0ff! Interviewer: Err, sorry? Eggman: Your condescention was blatant, and surely it's fair for me to retort in kind. Interviewer: I apologise. I'll try and be less condescending in the course of the interview. Now, I’ve spent some time on this, so if we could start with the questions... Eggman: That's quite a ramble! Interviewer: Right, OK. OK. Sorry. Again. Sorry. I'm fine. Keep going. Question. Question. Errrm, Wha.. err, who... Eggman: Get a grip, will you? Interviewer: You've, errm, got into a lot of debates on Arabfc - Some of them quite heated. Arguments with the likes of Obi Wan, Safka, Princess Caitling, Biting Cow, whatsthatonyourback, Arabjazzie, Lornalove, Ohhh Victor, Ivan’s Great Glass Elevator, Little Boy Lost, Eggman: You forgot the Loch Ness monster. I saw it last week. Interviewer: Blimey! That must have been scary. I'd have been terrified. Eggman: I am not you Interviewer: Of course. Did you run for it? Eggman: That's the standard weak reply. Interviewer: Ah, I see. So, you had an argument with the beast? What did you say to it? Eggman: You're a c unt Interviewer: That's not the most constructive of arguments. Eggman: I could have used other words, but I'm more flabbergasted than anything else. I do find it astounding though Interviewer: Yes, I suppose it is. How would you advise dealing with a giant mythical beast rising from the depths of an icy loch after years of solitude, just looking for a friend to talk to? Eggman: Be as aggressive as fcuk. They have to get the shite kicked out of them Interviewer: What did you make of the beast? Eggman: He's just a c unt Interviewer: You're lucky to have survived. Eggman: we mustn't underestimate the power of an utter lunatic Interviewer: I'm beginning to appreciate that. You seem to have a violent streak. Where do you think that comes from? Eggman: Were you beaten as a child? Interviewer: Oh dear, no I'm glad to say I wasn't. Tell me about how you got on with your father. Eggman: You gonna give it a rest, mate? Interviewer: No, really - I'm sure we can learn a lot from your relationship with your father. Eggman: my dad had turned out to be a murderer Interviewer: Oh - but, erm, I suppose it doesn't necessarily make him a bad person. Eggman: Can you grasp this relatively straight forward concept? Interviewer: Ah, I see your point. But he must still love you, right? No matter what your dad has done, that's worth something. Eggman: If you had a son and he was a depraved psycho he murdered and ate kids, would you still love him? Interviewer: Oh! Ahr! Well! Ehhm, oh dear! Eggman: Do you want to calm down, mate? Interviewer: Yes, It's just, em, OK. What have you learned from your father that has been important to you? Eggman: I will go to Hell because I had pre-marital sex Interviewer: Ah! So are you currently in a relationship? Eggman: Are you serious??? Interviewer: Of course. Any young lady catching your eye? Eggman: No. I'm just a c unt. Interviewer: What's the most important thing you look for in a relationship? Eggman: Not dating yourself Interviewer: Right, err, ha ha. Is there anything you look for in a woman? Eggman: Can you be more concise? Interviewer: Well, you know, in the romantic area. Eggman: When I'm brought off by whoever I'm with - Yes! Interviewer: Ri-i-i-ight. Have relationships with the opposite sex proved problematic in the past? Eggman: How about you actually fcuking speak to women, you prick. Interviewer: Yes, I suppose thay can be a bit fickle, as I recall. Eggman: I most likely get a shag much more often than you do. Interviewer: Really! Well I... Eggman: Although the Americans do it with the Canadians, to an even greater extent, I'd say. Interviewer: Well, that's as may be. My sex life is between me and my wife, if you don't mind. What's the secret of this success you claim to have with the ladies? Eggman: you'll need more than a few terms of gobbledegook and a big penis Interviewer: Well, thank goodness my years of trying to impress the ladies are over now that I've got married. Eggman: Yours is usually a tiddler, isn't it? How much was your operation? Interviewer: What operation? It's not something my wife has ever complained about. We have a very honest and loving marriage. Eggman: Perhaps she won't lie to you, and go and fcuk around behind your back because you're not able to make her cum. Interviewer: No, as I said, our marriage is honest and open... Eggman: Do you let your wife go and fcuk someone else then? Interviewer: No, that's not what I meant. Maybe we should leave the subject of my marriage out of it for now. Eggman: You gonna make me, you fcuking twat? Interviewer: I'm starting to find you rather offensive... Eggman: I know you are, but what am I? Interviewer: I? Me? Err, OK, to get back to you - Is there anything you deem unacceptable in a potential partner. Eggman: No to bestiality or necrophilia. No to licking another person's eyeball. Interviewer: I must say, I'm finding you a very difficult interviewee. Parmenion was much easier... Eggman: you're more used to making sense of badly put points Interviewer: Yes, you could be right there. Eggman: Well, I can't be wrong all the time. Law of averages and all that Interviewer: Quite. To get back to your antagonistic relationship with others on Arabfc... Eggman: It was dropped, you prick, until you fcuking brought it up again. Interviewer: Yes, but you do seem to be the centre of regular conflict. Eggman: Single me out if you want. Your view of me is irrelevant to me. Interviewer: But it's the hostility you provoke on Arabfc that interests me Eggman: You're talking bollocks. Interviewer: No, really, there is a body of opinion that... Eggman: typical shite words of those who don't actually know what they're talking about. Interviewer: But I've researched your posting history, and I can prove to you that you are the cause of 98% of all arguments. What do you say to that? Eggman: It was your attempt to bamboozle me by making out that you know what you're talking about. Interviewer: No, not at all. To get back to your friends on Arabfc. Let's deal with them individually - Obi Wan, Safka, Princess Caitling, Biting Cow, whatsthatonyourback, Arabjazzie, Lornalove, Ohhh Victor, Ivan’s, Little Boy Lost Eggman: One potato, two potato, three potato, four, five, six, seven more. Interviewer: Yes, well - OK - Obi Wan first. You two had a very close relationship. Were you sad when he has banned for life for offensive behaviour? Eggman: Didn't like the bastard anyway Interviewer: Oh, OK. That wasn't how it seemed, but anyway, moving on. What about Safka? Eggman: A mad egotist Interviewer: Princess Caitling Eggman: GARBAGE! Interviewer: Biting Cow? Eggman: Pish! I can't be arsed with this Interviewer: Ohhh Victor? Eggman: please don't be obtuse Interviewer: OK, I can see this isn't very productive. Do you have any thoughts of them as a group? What role do they fulfil in your life? Eggman: An analogy would be a cup of coffee. Interviewer: You mean like they give you a buzz and invigorate you. Or that they provoke a bowel movement? Eggman: Work it out, mate Interviewer: Hmm, I may have answered my own question there. Eggman: We are all sand grains in infinity, etc etc Interviewer: Hmmm, rather enigmatic, but I think I see what you mean. Eggman: On the other hand, I see them as pathetic, pretentious tripe that should never have been allowed in the first place. Interviewer: Do you ever wonder what they think of you? Eggman: having undergone a lot of therapy and found out that what they thought about me was a lot of shite. Interviewer: I'm sure they think much more of you than that. You shouldn't belittle yourself. Eggman: I didn't belittle myself. Indeed, it's you who is belittling me Interviewer: That's certainly not the intention. You seem very intelligent. Eggman: Did you know I can tell what type of person you are by the way I drink my coke? Interviewer: Mmm, ah, no, I didn't know that. That's quite a party trick. I prefer water myself. Eggman: Water is good. Like it or not, we couldn't live without it. It's not always good Interviewer: What? That makes no sense. Eggman: I may have fallen into a paradox.... Interviewer: Well, errm, that may a good point to end. That's most of my questions. Before we go, it would be interesting to hear any questions you might have for me - you can often learn more about the person who asks the question than from the answers. > Zipppppppppppp ppppppppppppp < Eggman: Is my cock shaped like an egg? Interviewer: Ugh! Yes, I would have to say that it is! No more questions! No more questions! Do you have more questions? I have no more questions! Eggman: CAN YOU GRASP THAT? Interviewer: Aaaaaaahhh! Oh, goodness, I can't believe... Stop the tape! This interview has finished! We've learned quite enough about Eggman. His erratic behaviour is now clearly explained! Eggman: Give it a rest, will you? YOu explained NOTHING. Now stop nipping my head. > Muffled screams < > Banging < > A whimper < Eggman: Okay. I'll give up first. I can't be doing with this. > The Tape clicks Off < |
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| The Eggman | Oct 5 2010, 12:30 PM Post #2 |
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Tommy McLean
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Christ, I'm a nutter
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| whatsthatonyourback | Oct 5 2010, 12:31 PM Post #3 |
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Waldo Jeffers
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"Did you know I can tell what type of person you are by the way I drink my coke?" still cracks me up. |
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| YazooArab | Oct 5 2010, 01:24 PM Post #4 |
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Paul Sturrock
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waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much time on your hands
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| whatsthatonyourback | Oct 5 2010, 01:26 PM Post #5 |
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Waldo Jeffers
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Working from home is a killer that way. Although that wasn't an excuse I could use when I wrote that 5 years ago. I was sitting in an office getting paid for every minute of that post! |
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| findus | Oct 5 2010, 01:59 PM Post #6 |
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Jerry Kerr
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Which makes it all the sweeter! ![]() Great post, and good idea for a thread! |
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| YazooArab | Oct 5 2010, 06:58 PM Post #7 |
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Paul Sturrock
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I was also self-employed and working from home when I was at my most prolific and irritating on here - well the other place(s) Now I am a wage slave again with a rugby team and a league to look after I just dont have as much time to be a git as I used to
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